9elysia

i'm in a way better mood today. i finally am starting to put everything behind me and move on in life. i have so much i want to do, i have so much time, why waste all my energy being depressed and angry? why waste time and money on drugs? i don't  need them anyway, drugs are the root to my family problems, troubles with the law, and my personal issues. they are evil, and i realize just how bad it could of been for me if i wouldn't of had this "wake-up call". i'm lucky that this happened, because if it wouldn't of i would still be in that insnae world of drugs and lies. i would still be addicted to cocaine, probably would of became addicted to crack eventually too, and still drinking and smoking pot heavily thinking that there is nothing wrong with any of it, popping pills just to make it through a day at school. it has been tough for me having to realize all of this, but just imagine how tough it would of been if i kept going down the path i was going. i admit, i was a fiend for awhile. i never wanted to admit it or no one else would tell me so because they battling their own addictions too. i'm on a new brighter path now without drugs. they take you nowhere. i never thought i would say these things or ever think like this, but it took me almost dying to realize it. it sounds so cheesy, but it's the right thing that i'm doing. i have matured through this experience, even though many other people are going through the same things that i am... or worse. i am finally starting to realize that i want to be the old me who could live without drugs and foolish things. everything is starting to fall into place. i'm so happy right now. i am so happy, i actually want to cry. i'm so excited to hang out with my friends, whom i love, but had been forgetting and pushing away for my old loser friends who i once shared an addiction with.

i got to see brian today. i can tell you, almost with tears in my eyes, that it was one of the best moments in my life. to see him and have him tell me that he is really glad i'm done with all of the drugs. he had this look on his face like he wanted to grab me and tell me how much it means to him that i don't keep doing all of the foolish crazy things i did. that i have finally stopped doing evil things to him. i have stopped putting him through something rough, which was seeing me go so far downhill.

I am still in the same bad mood that I was in the last time I wrote my journal entry. I really wish it would change. I have been trying to look at things in a better light. I have really been trying to be sooo optimistic and almost kind of fake my happiness to everyone else. I don't complain anymore to others, because I am pretty sure people are sick of it. Everyone complains though about their lives, so I really don't feel too bad for doing it. It does kind of make you feel better bitching about things that are shitty. On Nov. 11, I think, I have to go to a psychologist so she can just sit there and judge me and tell me what is wrong with me, if there even is anything wrong with me. I wonder how that will be? I have never been to a shrink to get evaluated. One of my friends ( who went to prison for reasons beyond me dealing with drugs), well... I guess I have been talking to him a lot lately. He is out of prison now. It probably isn't the best person to be hanging out with though, he doesn't do any drugs anymore though. So, maybe he isn't too bad. But, I really don't think I should have to stop talking and hanging out with him just because of his bad rep or bad past. As long as he makes me happy I think that is all that matters? He is the only person anymore who can actually make me not think about everything that is going on right now... Is it so bad that I want to keep talking to him? People can change, I know I have. I have definately changed... thinking back to when I would stay up in Belleville all week for some lines is just so far from what I would do today.

i'm in this horrible mood right now. i used to be the most optimisitc person ever. i can't break myself of the mood i have been in for about two weeks. i'm only 16, so it's not like my problems are anything compared to anyone else's. it's just kind of good to get them all out by writing about it. I can't write so I type. The past two months, I have really gotten myself into a lot of trouble. I got into drugs kind of bad I suppose, then I ended up getting a bunch of drinking and driving tickets and such, I got myself almost to rehab, My mom thinks I need a child psychologist, Everyone in my family thinks I'm a piece of shit... I know it too. It's like I walk into a room and everyone shuts up... so, it only makes me wonder as to what or who they were just discussing. I should clean up my act though, I have been trying to do good for so long though, I just keep fucking up. I need some new friends and I need to actually care now about my life instead of thinking... "in the end none of this is going to mean shit..." ha, that is no way to look at it. You only get one chance, that I know of, might as well try to do good.